About My Past

I first met my first boyfriend rather unexpectedly. It was during a small party when i am sixteen years old. His name is Brutanio (or Bru which i lovingly called him)a 21 yrs old student from German. I still wasn't out at that time and that was a straight friend's party. He, like me wasn't into partying. When our eyes met, he sort of smile at me but i was shy and just return a little nod. He walked over and we chatted (nothing sexual truly). We exchanged numbers on a friend-to-friend basis and subsquently met out for lunches and dinners. In between those dates, we got attracted both physically and sexually. He revealed to me about him being gay and his adoration in me therafter. That was what made our dates into one that of a couple, interwine with romance and flirtation. Our dating places thus include gay pubs and discos which he introduce me to. Everything was sweet and alluring but all great romance have to end someday; that was when he have to return to German to work after two and a half years into our relationship. We parted ways with promises of contacts which goes on for a year or so but it too was gradually lost in the midst of time...

My second relationship hasn't much to tell, we met on a friend's introduction during a PLU meeting. We fell in love like a fairy tale story shortly and ended with mutual respect...

The third one was both the worst and best in my life so far (thou i can't say about my future ones...). He was a promising officer with a rank of major then. Like always, i was in the internet relay chat looking for gossips and a little mischief when i posted a "search" for guys in uniform. A guy, "Jon" (not his real name)returned with a private message saying he is an army guy. Having gotten my full attention, we chatted for quite sometime. Surprisingly, he asked me to call him on a "number" he gave me. I did but the one who answered wasn't "Jon" at all. Feeling stupid and having gotten a rough "scoldings" from the guy over the phone i hanged up. Back to the chatline, i lash back at him about how dumb his joke had been, which he profusely apologised. He told me then that his friend, like me was single and he IS an attractive army major too... I merely shrug it off. Well, Darren actually called back and apologise! I merely shrugged it off as a bad joke on Jon's part. And from there, we started chatting up. It didn't just end there... we started from an hour one night to about a few every night. It was really wonderful to be able to find someone whom you could talk whole-heartedly to. About two months since then, we finally agreed for a meetup, it was nice, he is nice. We had a simple dinner cum desserts (no puns intended) and he drove me home straight to my door step. Love blooms from there onwards... But all satisfied love have a terrible effect on the toil of time. He started missing important dates (from anniversaries to our birthdays) with only a weak excuse of being busy with camp stuff. I really tried hard to be tolerant, once twice, thrice and so on... till it ended up with only our meeting up once every two to three months. Still, everytime he called up, my heart would skip a beat and go all jelly to forgive him. This goes on for a year or so... We couldn't communicate at all. I reveal every little details i have to him about me and practically bared my souls out for him. hereas for him, i don't even know if he has a brother or two sisters, friends or collegues, its almost a zit to his personal life. Not that it matters alot to me... I know i am selfish to a point but i need a life partner who talks to me and not a sudden appearance of a vague shadow, so i left him eventually after a long time of hesitation. On that day i tell him about the breakup, my eyes were two inches thick, my shirt stained with tears and my heart empty of anything. To make matters worst, i am working at that moment...

I sat all alone without a voice in my throat on the stairs to my office, as i slowly keyed the words on my mobile... "You have gave me the wonders of being in love and yet the trauma of having one, i couldn't bear to ever leave you but yet my heart yearn for it to be done. Darren, thank you for being in my life. I tasted sweetness that will stay with me forever. I bade you well. Goodbye one last time my dear". Like a spear through the heart i sent it out. After that, tears just flowed out of my eyes for like hours. How could loving someone ever be this hurtful. I merely gave him my everything and all i got was pain and sorrow. He did messaged me that he was sorry for the whole episode, that he would change for the better... i believed him. We got together again after a month. Sadly, it couldn't last at all, afterall, the friction has been there all along, even thou i tried my best to ignore it... I took to going to sleazy places and discoteque to forget everything, i took the easy way out from my heart by getting drunk and wasted. Luckily i have my very very good brother Aloysius to support me throughtout the whole phase. I finally broke up with him after much struggle again and this time i never look back...