About Reality

I woke up,
I wash up,
I ate breakfast,
I leave for work,
I work,
I ate lunch,
I work,
I leave for home,
I ate dinner,
I wash up,
I sleep


And the vicious cycle starts over again...


How many of us are becoming slave to this luxury chasing society?

We often left no time to care for those that we love...

My bad bad day...

Once and then there will be the so-call Bad days of our life... Today, i guess would be one of them.

Gotten a bad sprain, snubbed by friends, quarrelled with dad & gotten Sand Flies bites on the leg...

Sighz...

Daniel Powter - Had a Bad Day

About Broken Phase

Many a times in life we have to climb over hurdles and cross over uneven roads... And if we are not careful, we get to fall (graciously or not) flat on our face. I have been "Aunt Agony" to a few friends of mine but it can never work on myself... I guess by now you already knew, i am a "Drama Queen" of sort. Don't worry, i am not the broken wrist counterpart but rather... the Sensitive New Age Guy. Let's talk about the phases of a broken relationship, one that wasn't initiated by you...

Phase 1 -Denial
"No! I don't believe he will do this to me..."
"He still loves me... I know that"
"He must have a reason, could his work be pushing him too hard?"

Phase 2 - Self Blaming
"It must be something i do..."
"Am i not good enough? It must be"
"Something must be wrong with me! Yes! I knew it... It has to me the clothes i wear!"

Phase 3 - Anger
"Who does he think he is! What rights does he have to do this to me!"
"F**K Him! to hell with him n his kind!"
"I hate him!!! Next time i see him, i am doing some damage!"

Phase 4 - Destruction
"Let me drink myself away..."
"Why do anyone care? Let me f**k the world apart!"
"Beer? Wine? Who cares! Just give me whatever"

Phase 5 - Forgiveness
"I forgive you..."
"He must have his reasons enough to be this drastic... it's alright."
"I don't hate him anymore than i do to a stranger."

Phase 6 - Release
"I hope he will be happy wherever he is now. Seriously!"
"Life is such, i still have a family and i still have friends i love."
"We can still be friends..."

I have gone through all this phases myself and experienced what no mortal enemy of mine shall need to go through. Right now, I am at peace with my being... Hatred has long gone and only smiles are left. I had the memories, the beauty of happiness being once together etched within me. Right now, which phase are you going through? No matter which one... just be Happy.
-Leo

About Carrying the Family Line...

Now, what about baby can a grown gay man like me has to talk about. Well, even thou i can't give birth (thank god for that!) i still can have a family right? My little niece has arrived... and those cute eyes are so adorable *swoon*.

My two siblings are already married and have successfully given birth... so very soon i would be bearing the blunt of the questions, "So... When's your turn?"

There's this saying in Chinese,
“不孝有三，无后为大”

So, The question now would be,
1) Do i care about the feelings of my parents?
2) Can i withstand the looks of the society?
3) Would i be able to overcome the agony of traditional thinking?
4) Should i carry on being who i am?

I guess this would be what most of the Chinese gay adults has to go through。

I often quote my mum's phrase in life,
“养儿育女，长优一百”

But i know she's only saying it because she cares... Sigh, all this thinking is making me go round and round...

Poem for a Departed Friend

Oct 27 is a sad day for me...
It is the death anniversary of a great friend,
One that i deeply miss and greatly treasure.
1 Cancer, 2 months and an eternal pain...
Now, what's left are only memories.
one that would etch deep into my souls.

I couldn't sleep and so i compose this poem,
in memory of him.

"Please be happy wherever you may be now,
I will be happy too... I promise you."

梦离三更夜夜深，
床边翻滚竞难眠。

脑海幻映见是你，
耳边风声闻友名。

映幕寻存旧夕照，
滴滴温泪纷纷落。

感叹好哥阴阳隔，
未能享年就别早。

当年病末依然笑，
手握我掌叫不哭。

逼我咬唇憋着疼，
送您上路情跟随。

About Cruise Club & Sauna

I am no saint, have never claimed myself to be one anyway... not that i could be bothered by this kind of status. And yes, i do visit cruising clubs and sauna... thou very rarely (lol... trying to redeem myself here). A guy does has his needs alright? There are so many kinds of people bottled up in there... Just categorizing them took me awhile.

The Giggler

Aptly named, you will be able to find them at every dark corners of the corridors. They just don't know that serenity are important to some people to make good sex. If you even manage to grasp some hunk off the looming corner, i am sure you wouldn't want any of these bunch to start their giggly campaign right outside your door would you? They do come in various range; Mild spastic tinkles being the better quality to high pitched rattlers. Most of them would be still in their pubes but... if you find somehow manage to detect some slightly aged dirks who does that, i suggest you split before any bodily harm comes to either party.

Shadow Clone

Now you see them, now you don't... Still don't get it? Be serious now. In a place where you won't be able to see five feet in front of you, Shadow clones should come ones a plenty enough. They are the kind that slips detection and somehow manage to catch your eye. I come to a conclusion that these bunch of crowds are well trained ninja coming to torment the lustful individuals. They made you drool at them from afar but somehow seem like you may have been seeing illusion.

Phone Booth

This is the typical kind of people where you can get all sorts of juicy details and stories from, so amazing that paparazzi are put to shame.

Shriveled Prune
Museum-made quality treasures i would call them, one that Archaeology would love to uncover. Alright... i admit i shouldn't be mean, after all beauty is only skin-deep. But then again, farce goes the appearance ... dwindle goes the sex, that's how reality is.

Fresh Bud
The direct opposite of Shriveled Prune, they are the virile group everyone would cat scratch and bit*h-slap everyone else to get at. Innocence seems to fly out of them and spills onto the surrounding floor. They are easy fruits awaiting plucking and they often do not stay on the maze for more than 10mins...

Adonis
Should i explain more? You don't? Okie, i think you should recognize this few words then...
"Hunk"
"Greek-god"
"Idol quality"
"Sex material"
Now... go visualize!

Groper

Silently they will appear beside you and before you can say "What the...", they have their fingers all over you. I always think they are somewhat related to ET... they are alienated yet they feel like family. They lurk in the dark corners waiting for their preys like hungry bats detecting every crooks and cranny with their specially trained fingers. I am sure you would one time or another join this group of people. And not surprisingly, this group made up of about 50% of the whole headcounts in the club.

Couch Potato
Walking by, you can see them watching shows on the tv room... after you have shag your tenth guy, you will still see them sitting on the same spot. Somehow, i always wonder if they don't own a telly at home... This poor sod must have love television yet couldn't afford one... wait! they paid the entrance fee to watch telly?!?

Mourner
Humping to me should be private and minimally voiced out, mouthy music is pleasurable and a turn on pronto... but to broadcast to the rest of the world you are getting our rocks off? That's definitely a no no. I rather they keep those only to the porn collection (which i don't own).

So next time you make your ways to this sexed-charged outlet, be sure to notice to keep you range open...

About My Past

I first met my first boyfriend rather unexpectedly. It was during a small party when i am sixteen years old. His name is Brutanio (or Bru which i lovingly called him)a 21 yrs old student from German. I still wasn't out at that time and that was a straight friend's party. He, like me wasn't into partying. When our eyes met, he sort of smile at me but i was shy and just return a little nod. He walked over and we chatted (nothing sexual truly). We exchanged numbers on a friend-to-friend basis and subsquently met out for lunches and dinners. In between those dates, we got attracted both physically and sexually. He revealed to me about him being gay and his adoration in me therafter. That was what made our dates into one that of a couple, interwine with romance and flirtation. Our dating places thus include gay pubs and discos which he introduce me to. Everything was sweet and alluring but all great romance have to end someday; that was when he have to return to German to work after two and a half years into our relationship. We parted ways with promises of contacts which goes on for a year or so but it too was gradually lost in the midst of time...

My second relationship hasn't much to tell, we met on a friend's introduction during a PLU meeting. We fell in love like a fairy tale story shortly and ended with mutual respect...

The third one was both the worst and best in my life so far (thou i can't say about my future ones...). He was a promising officer with a rank of major then. Like always, i was in the internet relay chat looking for gossips and a little mischief when i posted a "search" for guys in uniform. A guy, "Jon" (not his real name)returned with a private message saying he is an army guy. Having gotten my full attention, we chatted for quite sometime. Surprisingly, he asked me to call him on a "number" he gave me. I did but the one who answered wasn't "Jon" at all. Feeling stupid and having gotten a rough "scoldings" from the guy over the phone i hanged up. Back to the chatline, i lash back at him about how dumb his joke had been, which he profusely apologised. He told me then that his friend, like me was single and he IS an attractive army major too... I merely shrug it off. Well, Darren actually called back and apologise! I merely shrugged it off as a bad joke on Jon's part. And from there, we started chatting up. It didn't just end there... we started from an hour one night to about a few every night. It was really wonderful to be able to find someone whom you could talk whole-heartedly to. About two months since then, we finally agreed for a meetup, it was nice, he is nice. We had a simple dinner cum desserts (no puns intended) and he drove me home straight to my door step. Love blooms from there onwards... But all satisfied love have a terrible effect on the toil of time. He started missing important dates (from anniversaries to our birthdays) with only a weak excuse of being busy with camp stuff. I really tried hard to be tolerant, once twice, thrice and so on... till it ended up with only our meeting up once every two to three months. Still, everytime he called up, my heart would skip a beat and go all jelly to forgive him. This goes on for a year or so... We couldn't communicate at all. I reveal every little details i have to him about me and practically bared my souls out for him. hereas for him, i don't even know if he has a brother or two sisters, friends or collegues, its almost a zit to his personal life. Not that it matters alot to me... I know i am selfish to a point but i need a life partner who talks to me and not a sudden appearance of a vague shadow, so i left him eventually after a long time of hesitation. On that day i tell him about the breakup, my eyes were two inches thick, my shirt stained with tears and my heart empty of anything. To make matters worst, i am working at that moment...

I sat all alone without a voice in my throat on the stairs to my office, as i slowly keyed the words on my mobile... "You have gave me the wonders of being in love and yet the trauma of having one, i couldn't bear to ever leave you but yet my heart yearn for it to be done. Darren, thank you for being in my life. I tasted sweetness that will stay with me forever. I bade you well. Goodbye one last time my dear". Like a spear through the heart i sent it out. After that, tears just flowed out of my eyes for like hours. How could loving someone ever be this hurtful. I merely gave him my everything and all i got was pain and sorrow. He did messaged me that he was sorry for the whole episode, that he would change for the better... i believed him. We got together again after a month. Sadly, it couldn't last at all, afterall, the friction has been there all along, even thou i tried my best to ignore it... I took to going to sleazy places and discoteque to forget everything, i took the easy way out from my heart by getting drunk and wasted. Luckily i have my very very good brother Aloysius to support me throughtout the whole phase. I finally broke up with him after much struggle again and this time i never look back...

-Insights of Love (情之意義)- 02/12/04

A little something for my little sister
whose getting married this morning...

Time is Endless yet it never cease,
時 光 無 限 卻 未 停 ,
Love has its limit still it lasts.
愛 情 有 盡 卻 能 久 .
Forever ever is not long...
一 生 一 世 不 算 長 ,
Coz you see a couple last through it.
白 頭 到 老 妻 與 郎 .

-MYSELF (我)- 16/01/04

A Little Poem about me...

I am like a lost Cloud
我 像 是 朵 飘 云 ,
Drifting in the vast sky
在 芒 芒 人 海 中 。
Holding on to the rays from the sun,
手 握 熊 熊 阳 光 ,
And slowly burned off by it.
却 慢 慢 被 灼 伤。
Birds and planes soar by me,
万 物 于 我 飞 翔 ，
Only occasionally gracing my presence.
但 只 悄 过 我 旁 。
Thunder and lighting roar with me,
雷 电 陪 我 呐 喊 ，
But died the next moment a ray shines.
可 只 限 余 一 时 。
The rainbow looks just by my side,
云 彩 看 似 亲 近 ，
But its never within my reach.
可 却 不 成 触 碰 。
Island below big and small,
岛 屿 泠 落 脚 边 ，
Drizzle by my rain all and all.
被 那 冷 雨 泠 澌 。
How far can i drift,
我 还 能 飘 多 久 ，
How near can i seek.
我 还 能 寻 多 远 。
I am as lost as can be...
我 一 然 还 是 迷 失 的 我 。。。

About Anita Mui (1963~2003)... A Tribute

On December 30, 2003,

Anita Mui (1963~2003) another HongKong well-known Canto-pop star and singer also known as "Asian Madonna", died (less than four months after revealing that she had cervical cancer) at Hong Kong's Sanatorium Hospital at 2.50am (1850 GMT). She was only 40.

Mui drew admiration from fans all over the region with her flamboyant on-stage persona.

She began her singing career as a little girl, giving shows at an amusement park and only kicked off her career when she won a singing contest in 1982 (HongKong). She rose to stardom with the song 'Homecoming' in 1984. Mui also gained fame as an actress, winning Taiwan's Golden Horse award for best actress in 1987 for her role as a tormented ghost in the movie "Rouge." (“Yan Zhi Kou”) She starred in more than 40 movies over 20 years.

The unmarried star was also known for her charity work. She set up the Anita Mui Charity Foundation in the early 1990s. Her elder sister, Mui Oi-fong, died in 2000, also from the same kind of cancer.

About Leslie Cheung (1956~2003)... a Tribute

On April 1, 2003,

Leslie Cheung (1956~2003) a HongKong acclaimed Canto-pop star and singer and an open gay widely accepted by his fans committed suicide, apparently he jumped down from Hotel Mandarin Oriental, Kowloon after leaving a note citing emotional problems.

His death baffled lots of his fans, leaving many to speculate why he “do it”. Some say he couldn’t bear the torment with being in constant emotional struggle with his lover, Thomas a.k.a. “TongTong” while others says he have been affected by apparition and such after his last movie “Inner Senses”.

His friends even came out on a TV interview claiming he couldn’t take the fact that he had contracted a terminal disease (Possibly AIDS). Before getting his medical report, he called his few best friends to accompany him at his room, but before they can console him of anything, he find release in his own way.

Whatever the case and method he chose to leave us, Let's all pray that he would be in a better place now. God Bless his soul.

About Impotency and Cures

Of the 29 years (ops! i spilled my age) in my life, the "I" word has never occurred to me. Until it strikes me down like a falling pin. Sex to me was always a breeze, casually homoerotic and spicy affair until he visits...

Putting it in scripts, it should go like this,

*Knock knock*

"Hi, who are you?
"you can call me Mr. I"
"I who?"
"I for I am Impotent"
"What the...?? How may i help you?"
"Just visiting..."
"What the f@@k?!"

*Door Slam & Bolted*

"You can hide but i am still here..." came the muffled sounds behind the door
"What the m***erF@@ker, get the F@@k outta my face!"
"Too bad... I am here to stay"
"@@#$@#$%!%"

*Door double bolted and triple bolted*

"Still here..."
"#@%#$%@!#$%@$@^%%^@%#^"


Like most Singaporean, I'm too shy to visit any psychiatrist. Well... What do you expect me to say? "Hey! I am Gay and my Willy's not working properly?" or "Can you get my hose to spray again like before?"

See? even you get baffled... So after much consideration, i finally go for the most trusted (?) but devilishly effective methods; 'Consultancy program' by my superb sister (names Aloy).

Booked a few "Karaoke" appointments and a few sessions later, she finally concluded that I'm having the work-stressed-thus-no-sex syndrome!

Medication prescribed would include;
1a) The Classic V (Viagra) if i am having a TOP day;
1b) The Omnipotent P (Poppers) if i am having a BTM day;
2) Use either med a or b (not both at the same time!!!) and mix them well with a handful of Hunks;
3) Throw in a bucket of condoms (Preferred Latex Slim);
4) Add a few globs of KY lube
5) Stuff everything inside a dark room and wait for the mixture to STEAM!
6) Body rub and groping will hasten the process.

Note:
a) Repeat item 3 to 6 if the first treatment does not succeed until exhaustion kicks in.
b) Medication also valid for patients not suffering from the work-stressed-thus-no-sex syndrome

Till now, i have yet to try out this piece of unconventional curing methods... and still wondering if it works...